I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
someone get that fucking seahorse.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
