I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
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