God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
