this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
