Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
the night ended with taco bell and tears
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
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