You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
