I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I just blew my weed a kiss
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
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