I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
