i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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