So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I got copblocked.
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.