He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
