We named our party play list daddy issues
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you