The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
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woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
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I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS