I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
