i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
