last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Randomize
