There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
