There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
