my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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