but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
