Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
