I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I didn't shave. On purpose
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
