Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
