there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
