i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
