my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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