does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
