are you so shy because you have an std?
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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