She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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