they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
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