my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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