I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested