A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
These 23 People Share the Worst Advice They’ve Been Given
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor