Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(845): View more from New York

If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.

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(845): If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt. http://tfl.nu/ayuf

Replies (147) Good night (1972) Bad night (5692)
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(919): View more from North Carolina

Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?

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(919): Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus? http://tfl.nu/9yje

Replies (22) Good night (894) Bad night (4155)
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(609): View more from New Jersey

Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.

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(609): Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing. http://tfl.nu/en2f

Replies (26) Good night (1374) Bad night (6857)
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(662): View more from Mississippi

Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.

(1-662): View more from Mississippi

I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.

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(662): Stop introducing me to people as your little sister. (1-662): I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother. http://tfl.nu/5xkr

Replies (31) Good night (8124) Bad night (1744)
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(906): View more from Michigan

He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...

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(906): He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me... http://tfl.nu/pc0c

Replies (21) Good night (2457) Bad night (3980)
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(609): View more from New Jersey

wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.

(941): View more from Florida

it was a krispy kreme

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(609): wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut. (941): it was a krispy kreme http://tfl.nu/o743

Replies (15) Good night (5256) Bad night (1404)
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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor

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(412): I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor http://tfl.nu/ext1

Replies (5) Good night (1073) Bad night (2219)
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(513): View more from Ohio

Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?

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(513): Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ? http://tfl.nu/6gn7

Replies (15) Good night (623) Bad night (1729)
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(519): View more from Ontario

he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him

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(519): he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him http://tfl.nu/dkoo

Replies (3) Good night (1328) Bad night (728)
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(504): View more from Louisiana

I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor

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(504): I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor http://tfl.nu/q7h4

Replies (12) Good night (847) Bad night (1107)
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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.

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(303): I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list. http://tfl.nu/udqv

Replies (4) Good night (958) Bad night (538)
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(314): View more from Missouri

I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.

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(314): I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle. http://tfl.nu/q65f

Replies (3) Good night (545) Bad night (354)
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(505): View more from New Mexico

Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.

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(505): Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college. http://tfl.nu/nqh4

Replies (0) Good night (286) Bad night (344)
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(720): View more from Colorado

Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.

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(720): Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going. http://tfl.nu/q6rk

Replies (3) Good night (967) Bad night (461)
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(604): View more from British Columbia

When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"

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(604): When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof" http://tfl.nu/pdgz

Replies (1) Good night (560) Bad night (381)

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