I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
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Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
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Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.