There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
