just come out here and I will go home with you...
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
