In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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