her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
