Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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