Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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