someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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