I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
