do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Couch. On fire.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
