Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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