sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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