end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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