shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
