please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
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I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
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she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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