weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
