Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
