my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
