went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
