Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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