I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
