from now on my penis is your penis
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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