And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Randomize
