When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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