An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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