those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
