you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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