you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
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He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
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I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
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