I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
me + whiskey = a bad person
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
