ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
